I decided I was going to try weaning off my Zoloft. School is back, and I feel in a reasonably good place, and like I’m coping a lot better.
My brain has decided otherwise. Not sure why, but a few days without and I’m back feeling miserable again, and questioning everything. I really think some kind of therapy is required but finding the time and the money is an impossible task at the moment.
But that’s another post for another day.
Staying on the Zoloft doesn’t really bother me too much. Although I don’t want to be dependent for the rest of my life, I find feeling confident and in control preferable to cranky, miserable and like a big fat failure. As I’m sure most of us do.
But it’s the moments when the drug haze lifts that I get a clear picture of how I see my life, and what areas need some work.
I’ve got this whole thing about trying to be fearless happening, and all these ideas how to do that. Obviously looking for book publishing is a big part of that, but a scary daunting part. Last week when I sat down to really get into it, I faced so many demons. From not knowing where to start so it’s easier to give up, to choosing to seek a literary agent over self publishing, because the latter is the safer option.
And when I finally got past all those dramas, I started reading and decided it was absolute crap and no one needs to read it anyway.
I haven’t really got past that part yet.
Add to that the fact that my blog stats are down.
Not constant, lower.
My comments are down, my page views are shrinking, and even getting a ‘like’ in facebook is proving to be a mission in itself.
That leads to some pretty serious questions about what I’m doing here, and what I’m doing writing. Is it the content, or is it just me?
This could be all about just holding on
I can’t get my feet off of the ground
I wanna run but I don’t know how
Could you reach down here and pull me out, just pull me out
Bebo Norman- Pull Me Out
I have this dream…. No its more than that. It’s a feeling, almost like a birthright, if that doesn’t sound too arrogant, that I can be great. That I was born for more than low ceilings and selling myself short.
I believe life is an adventure, and I can be the hero in the story. Don’t know who exactly who I’m rescuing, but I believe I can make the story better, help those who need it and generally get a happy ending.
Except that reality seems to dictate otherwise. In reality I’m no one. I’m a stay at home mum who writes random thoughts and crazy ideas, puts them on the Internet, and a few people read them. I live in a rented house with noisy air cons, a leaky roof, missing floorboards and a washing pile that is never satiated.
And when it comes to writing, or even when it comes to those crazy vlogs I love doing and
pour myself into, I am a very small fish in a great big pond.
It has come to the point of do I give in?
Or do I hold on?
In about six weeks it’s the Digital Parents conference. My tickets are booked and there is a part of me that is hugely excited.
There is another part that doesn’t want to go. That does not want to leave her babies for a couple of days for what really? To try and push my self out there? To be in a room full of big fish and wonder if there really is any place for me at all?
This is not a ‘woe is me’ post. I’m not writing this for nice comments and lots of support. If i knew how, i would turn off the comments.
I’m just being honest. I’m looking at my life and trying to work out want I want to do, and how do I get there? Like the words of the above song, I wanna run, but I don’t know how. I want the adventure, and I know I can be great. I know there is so much more for me.
But what is it?
And how do I get there?
You’re only a small fish if you compare yourself to bigger fish Jess. Be amazing in your own pond and forget about the rest. People will follow you when you follow yourself. Don’t try and lead them somewhere you’re not sure of first. Just be you.
Laney @ Crash Test Mummy recently posted..Am I brave? The World’s Greatest Shave!
Have just written note to self to take own advice
Laney @ Crash Test Mummy recently posted..Am I brave? The World’s Greatest Shave!
Beautiful and wise words Laney. Thankyou. Xxx
And please make sure you take your own advice
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Domestic Drama
I can so identify with the whole small fish, big pond thing. When we look at numbers, it can be disheartening. I’ve been through that recently – I’ve been blogging for a little while and keep thinking, ‘what for?’ It’s like I’m flogging a dead horse at times. (I had a battle with myself about the DPC as well, but as it turns out, the dates clash for me.) I know I’ve written posts on it before, (I don’t always listen to my own advice) – but you are good enough!
Jess, your words always bring encouragement and a smile to my face. You’ve got more guts (?) than me in doing vlogs as well! Don’t listen to the voices and don’t compare yourself to others. We all have something unique to give to this world and even if at times it seems like nobody is watching/reading/listening, someone somewhere is. I hope you find what it is your searching for.
In the words of a song from Yo-Gabba-Gabba – “Don’t stop, Don’t give up. Keep trying. Keep trying.”
Debbie @ Aspiring Mum recently posted..Dear Me…{A Love Letter to Myself}
Thanks Deb. I’m reasonably confident in my abilities, I just get frustrated with how to put myself out there more.
I know I need to be happy with where I am at, and be content there.
It’s such a hard though. I want to go forward, not back, but be happy here. No wonder I’m exhausted!
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Domestic Drama
Jess, all these types of thoughts are natural when weaning yourself off antidepressants. The first week of weaning is the hardest. I truly felt like dying when I weaned off my drugs, but I went cold turkey because I went away and forget to pack my medication. But did have intentions of weaning when I got home so I just went with it.
You will get there, but in the mean time try not to let self doubt swallow you.
I can’t make it to DPCon next month, but it would have been great to meet you!
Amy recently posted..Where In The World Is Amy?
Oh I’m disappointed you won’t be there!
I think the medication weaning is a lot to blame. I’ve stopped weaning and started taking them again. I’d love to go cold turkey, but just can’t do it right now.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Domestic Drama
I’m in the process of changing over to try a new drug after the old one stopped working. I dream of getting to where you are. I read your posts all the time but don’t often respond because it takes a lot at the moment to draw a response from me. But all your posts encourage me to keep trying to move forward. Please just keep being who you are. You are more of an encouragement than you know.
Thankyou Nerida. Xxx
It’s comments like that I need to hear from time to time. I am so grateful to be able to be an encouragement to you. Thankyou for the privilege.
I hope your medication sorts itself out soon. Xxx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Domestic Drama
I think it’s a bit of that whole- ‘we were made for something more than this’… we have eternity planted in our hearts, and know there is more, so we try to reach it here on earth. I think we need to look at life through God’s eyes a little more. I don’t think it necessarily matters whether we reach a huge number of people or only ever touch the lives of a handful. I don’t think that God is going to look at me and compare me to someone like Billy Graham for instance, and say ‘Well you didn’t do very much did you?’. It’s all about doing the work that he has called you to do.
I think motherhood is one of the hardest things in the world in a way, because you know God has called you to do this, and do it well- but it is so very mundane and difficult a lot of the time. I get what you mean by the ‘that I can be great. That I was born for more than low ceilings and selling myself short.’ I have that same kind of yearning inside of me…. but I have no idea what it is leading to or what direction I’m supposed to take. Don’t measure yourself by blog stats or comments Jess. Don’t measure yourself by books published or unpublished. Because there will always be someone/something that tells you that you could do better- that it isn’t enough. Focus on Him, and everything else won’t be as significant. Aim for glory to God in everything you do, whether it’s speaking to many or doing the dishes….. Sorry if this is a bit of a sermon- It’s one I need to hear too, believe me! But I love you, and I don’t want the enemy to pull you down when you really are so great. Take care. xxxx
“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33
Robyn (@slightly_deep) recently posted..Where we’re at lately….
Love that Robyn! You can give me a sermon any day! And Jess, hugs and prayers to you xx
Julie recently posted..Books we are loving
Thankyou.
Just Thankyou. Xxx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Domestic Drama
Oh Jess.. wish I could give you a big hug and just sit down with you to relax somewhere. It seems like there is so much on your mind, so much burden in your heart… Would love to tell you that you are a great writer, and that people enjoy what you are writing but this is something you have to find out and believe in yourself.
I agree with Laney that you feel like a small fish when you compare with others. Just like how we did the video on our bodies for I’m Worth It, find the something in your blog that makes you go I’m Worth It too.
Ai Sakura recently posted..Wordless Wednesday {linky party}: Danboard Be My Valentine | Week 7
Yes it’s true. I need to see it for myself.
Thanks for the support though Ai. It’s people like you who help me see me. I really appreciate. Xxx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Domestic Drama
Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses xxxx
I think Robyn has said it all. Find comfort in the fact that even though it feels like it at times you are not alone. This post could just as easily fit for me as it does you.
Regardless of what size fish we are there will always be bigger and smaller ones. I think the most important thing is just to keep on swimming.
Oh and as for DPCON12…it will be the best thing you ever did. I am insanely jealous if you want me to go in your place just say the word
Oh and one last thing you are right you are destined for something great, just have faith xx
Rhianna recently posted..Thankful Thursday – The Powers That Be
Thankyou Rhi, as always, you are wonderful!
I wonder if I can fit you in my bag for DPCON….
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Domestic Drama
There will be big fish at DPCon, but there will be loads of little fish. Including me. It will be fun.
Mandy recently posted..DVD Review & Giveaway – The Help
It will be fun! Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…..
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Domestic Drama
Hi Jess, well I’ve just found you and I like what I see so I’ll be back!
Re Zoloft, don’t feel bad if you do have to go back on it. I’ve been on it for 13 years now (since my youngest was 2)! When I go off, I go downhill very fast
.
Sure, I wish I didn’t need it but hey, it works. Life is GOOD when I’m on it. End of story. I don’t particularly like taking medication to prevent my allergies every day either but hey, it works. Life is GOOD when I’m on it, and miserable when I’m not. Capisce??!
I’d love to join in your IBOT thing but will have to see – could be a bit technical for me!
Janet recently posted..It’s all in the Planning!
Hi Janet, welcome!
Life is good on Zoloft! Nothing wrong with that!
Would love to have you for IBOT, if you need help let me know. It’s not that hard really!
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Domestic Drama
It doesn’t matter, the comments we make, the adulations you receive, all the advice in the world is not going to make any difference because of what you are feeling at the moment. I was thinking of you this morning as I read a story in our local paper of a lady who started writing in 1996, has written 9 novels and a member of the local writers group and submits various short stories to different publications. She has finally, only now, been accepted by Random House. Needless to say she is ecstatic. It’s taken so much determination and self doubt, but it has finally paid off. She never gave in.
Try to be happy with your little fish status for now. You have a huge job rearing your beautiful family. When the time is right you will succeed. I know you will Jess. Don’t ever lose sight of that goal. Be patient. Hugs (sorry) and love to you. Xxxxx
Thankyou.
Far out that is a long time to wait! Glad she finally got accepted!
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Domestic Drama
And re your concerns on comments etc, remember this is a very busy time of year. Schools back, events cranking up. I hav’nt had much time for FB. So behind in lots of areas. Eeek! The MOTH doesn’t let me forget about the damn filing! Once the cooler weather hits and day light saving finished we will be more apt to be in sync with our social media. Just a thought. Don’t take it personally. Life is just ‘busy’.
)
i think anyone who blogs etc appreciates your honesty – but I love what Laney wrote, be your own fish in your own pond. Why? Aside from the fact you are freaking awesome, you are so supportive and funny and encouraging. The fact that you even bought a ticket to a conference to hang out with people you have mostly never met inspires me – because I cannot ever see myself and my little shy introverted self doing it. Whats that quote about you don’t ever really know the depth of how far you reach? whatever it is, that.
x
Lyndal recently posted..Take me by the hand and stand by my side
Oh I like that quote! Thanks so much for that
I’d love to meet you at a conference. I think it’s definitely something worth fighting fear for
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Domestic Drama
Awesome comments here Jess. YKW? I bet even the ‘big fish’ do not think they are big fish. Honestly there are two that I would put in that category, and probably another five or so I’d call nearly big fish. Which leaves about 500 of us floating around trying to figure out what we are doing
Hang in there sweetheart xox
katesaysstuff recently posted..Fitness Friday: 12WBT Week 1
Well that’s a relief. We can all just be guppies together then
Thanks Kate. Xxx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Domestic Drama
Jess…. Look at me….are you ok? Yes you are!
Are you blogging for numbers, stats, and all that? If that’s true then it’s partly why you are down … None of those “numbers” matter if you think back to WHY you began to blog.
Do you remember what it was?
Can you remember how this felt when you realized another person interacted with you on-line? OH YEAH!!
Rather than numbers, and being focused on getting sponsorship, enjoy the knowledge that a girl who could be my daughter (you, lovely!)is friends with me… An older lady frommSydney….
I BLOG TO CONNECT! I have that as my goal. Looking forward to meeting you soon. D xx
Denyse Whelan. Education Specialist recently posted..Connections. Love My Connections!
Thanks Denyse. I’m hoping you read my IBOT post after this were I decided that I didn’t care so much, I was just happy to be me.
Appreciate the encouragement though.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..I Need Answers
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