There are many things a mother needs.
Children, is a good place to start.
A television, an iPhone and a constant supply of wine would not go astray.
But also friends.
Every mum needs friends.
And not just the kinds of friends that you can text and say ‘my kids are driving me mad’ or ‘The power is off, the tv is not working, my iPhone is broken and there is no wine in the house,’ but other friends that you can call, whenever, whatever, and say, ‘Help me. The Wheels have come off.’
I have one of those friends.
She is Amazing. In fact I think we shall call her Amazing Advice Friend. Or AAF for short.
I’ve know AAF for a while; but it’s only been the last few years, since doing many parenting courses with her facilitating, that our friendship has blossomed.
I’ve called her when Bailey was a little baby, and absolutely refused to sleep. When Taylah went through a constant stage of lying. When Bailey was a bigger boy and refused to sleep.
And just lately, when Bridie pushed all my buttons so much, I was almost ready to give her away.
Bridie is strong willed at the best of times, but just lately, has been exceptionally hard. She is arguing over EVERY. LITTLE. THING. She refuses to be wrong on anything; even simple things like the day of the week. She hates to say sorry. Absolutely hates it. And ask her to admit that any actions she has done are wrong, and she will argue till she is blue in the face, that she is completely justified.
It is exhausting.
Now no one likes to be constantly fighting, but because my goal in parenting is heart training, this to me, is so much worse. What it shows is a proud little girl, with little respect for authority, and a desire to be top dog.
And that’s not going to get her very far.
So when, on Saturday, an argument over everything left her screaming at me in her room I rang Amazing Advice Friend, and asked for help.
I felt like I had nothing left to give.
The best thing about Amazing Advice Friend, is that she listens without judgement, and instead of saying, ‘you need to do this…’ she asks me a whole bunch of questions, until, usually, I’ve pretty much worked it out myself.
The big problem, at the moment, is what we would call ‘too many freedoms.’
Remember the story of the Red Cup Blue Cup? The small child who was choosing everything all day, without his mother even realising it? In ChildWise, we refer to this as a child who has too much freedom, that they aren’t morally responsible enough for.
With Bridie, it’s not a case of being able to choose what book she reads or what clothes she wears; at almost six, those are age appropriate choices she should have.
No, the problem we are having with her is verbal freedoms; what she is, and isn’t allowed to say.
In our home, every command by Boatman and I should be met with a ‘yes mum’ or ‘yes dad.’ This is so that we know they have heard us, but also that they have agreed to do it. (A note: with younger kids, they are more likely to do what they say they will do, so getting them to answer ‘yes mum I will clean up my toys’ is usually met with more compliance than just telling them to do it.)
Of course, there are times when a blanket ‘yes mum’ is not enough. There may be some information I don’t know, or something I’m not aware of. I’m not a dictator; I’m reasonable. In these situations, the kids are taught to say, ‘yes mum, please may I appeal?’ (I realise it sounds formal, but there is not much else that says the same thing. )
The problem was, although Bridie knew what our standards were, she was completely ignoring them, instead meeting every request with a ‘but…’ or worse. I was then engaging in an argument, and both of us were ending upset and cranky.
Under the advice of AAF, I have changed what I’m doing. Instead of fighting or arguing, or trying to prove me right (and her wrong), once she has started, I have answered simply and calmly ‘you don’t have the freedom to speak to me like that.’
Sometimes this has been met with tears and tantrums, but most of the time, it is accepted with a meek ‘yes mum.’ There is no emotion or drama; just a quiet acceptance that I have caught on to her, and I won’t accept it anymore.
Amazingly, in the past 36 hours since I have been doing this, she is a different kid. She has barely had any tantrums, has been kind to her siblings, and generally very happy to help.
Most kids know when they are getting away with things that they shouldn’t be; if we allow them to, they actually live in guilt, and everything becomes harder. Once we as their parents become vigilant and uphold the standard, it forces them to comply, but it also removes the remorse from their wrong actions.
We still have a long way to go with Miss Bridie, and it’s easy to relax things once they get easy again, but I am determined to remain vigilant, not just for my own sanity, but for the sake of her heavily burdened conscience.
Do you sometimes worry about them heart condition based on their actions?
Very good reminder that we need to stay on top of everything! Sometimes a bit of a daunting challenge! Was reading Heart Focus Parenting the other day and one of the articles was Do I Have the Freedom (focused on the parent). Such a simple statement but one that can get us challenging our kids and ourselves.
Yes. I often need to use it on myself before doing things. (like blogging!)
Great post Jess
Mr 4 has been going trying on “but Mum” a lot in the past few months. I often say to Mr 4 “No buts. Yes Mum”. I’m ok with him asking me if I will change my mind (like your “appeal”), but I do want him to acknowledge that I am still the one in authority. I think maybe we need to spend some more time discussing where his “freedoms” lie. Thanks for giving me some stuff to think about 
Erin @ Lohtown Life recently posted..The Faces of Mr Sociable (Wordless Wednesday)
You’re welcome Erin
I think most of us are reasonable and not wanting to run a dictatorship.
It’s very affronting though when you get a flat out ‘no I’m not doing it!’
Great post Jess. Liam has been very argumentative and saying “No…but…” a lot. It really gets under my skin – because on one hand I’m trying to instil obedience, and on the other, I don’t want to do it by force! I’ve been doing the ‘say it once and walk away’ thing. (Blog post coming up!) It’s so hard, isn’t it. One of my biggest fears is that if I don’t work on the relationships enough now, they won’t want to have anything to do with me when they get to their teenage years. I’m glad that you’ve found something that’s working for you.
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That’s my fear too. And I think these formative years are so very important.
Someone once says to me the way they treat you as toddlers will be the way they treat you as teenagers, unless you work on respect and relationship.
That can be a scary but encouraging thought because we do have time at least.
I like the idea of them answering “Yes Mum”. I’m going to get my children to do that, because sometimes i give them a direction and hear nothing and so five minutes later I find them and start asking them sternly if they’ve done it and Bluey usually says “Yeah, I did it when you asked” and then I feel like a total asshole.
I think it’s important for them to know to let us know we’ve been heard, and vice versa.
Greenie, is more of the one to ignore what’s been said. Or say we ask him to pick up the toys he will pick up one and then leave the rest. He is only three, but it’s not a level I’m happy with. My rule is if you get it out, then YOU put it away. if you can make the mess, you can clean it, and it always worked with Bluey, and I found it helped teach him to be responsible for his belongings.
I also have a rule of “Do what I’ve asked first, and then talk to me about it later” but I realise this isn’t always appropriate because they may need to tell me something first.
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It’s hard when you have asked them to do something but they have already done it, been asked by their dad to do something else, or are right in the middle of a game. There are so many times when it’s perfectly justifiable for them to say no, but I guess for me it’s the attitude of respect they do it with.
That’s what I like about the yes mum; it shows respect as much as anything else.
Oh, I so get this. I have a four year old who is going to need her mummy to remember this in a few years. I also have an angelic seven year old who has been doing some pretty mean things lately, which is totally out of character. I am going to think about this ‘you don’t have the freedom’ line to use on her…. I think it will really help.
Great post!
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Thanks B.
There is a while principle in GKGW that talks about freedom vs responsibilities and when there is too much freedom that they aren’t ready for, their behaviour can be quite negative. That’s been our problem with Bridie and I know it’s the same with miss Ava too, and that’s going to need some work soon as well!
This is great, Jess. My five year old is horribly disrespectful with his communication at the moment, so this gives me some good ideas to try with him. I’m not 100% sure that his comprehension has caught up to his behaviour just yet, but over time hopefully we will see some changes.
You are such a wonderful, teachable, humble mum. Go you.
Tam recently posted..The third child
Thanks Tam.
You might be surprised; I think they are aware of a lot more than we give them credit for!
I prefer to give my kids requests, rather than commands. I don’t really like the idea of kids not having the freedom to speak to us in a particular way, to me it’s all about respect, not freedom. I did not have the freedom to talk back to my parents for most of my life, or even discuss things with them rationally, and as a result I have barely any respect for them these days. Respect is earned, even in adults.
I ask my kids to “please don’t talk to me like that, I am not your friend, I am your mum” or “I don’t like it when you talk to me like that”. I also explain to them that we all need to contribute to running the household, if it’s a matter of chores and responsibilities.
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I think that’s a really good way of doing it Dorothy.
When I talk about verbal freedoms, it’s not about kids being unable to express things; on the contrary, I tell my kids they can talk to me about anything and they do. It’s more the way they communicate it they I’m referring to here.
I also agree asking questions is far more successful that barking out orders, but there are times when commands need to be given and followed without arguments.
I actually think you and I are on a similar page here. Maybe I didn’t explain myself properly…
I think teaching children that they can’t say no is a slippery slope. I have a four year old and she has a whole heap of verbal freedom because I encourage that. But it doesn’t mean she’s rude or disrespectful or undisciplined. She has her moments! I assume like any other kid her age. But for the most part she responds really well to us talking through whatever issues come up. That way she knows what my expectations are and I make sure my expectations are reasonable.
Zoey @ Good Googs recently posted..In My Former Life
I absolutely agree kids need to be able to say no, but it needs to be in a respectful way and the right situation. A refusal to ‘clean the toys’ is not ok in my book.
I think kids need to learn to express themselves, and quite often my older kids (almost 6 and 9) will talk to me about decisions we have made, and maybe Boatman and I will adjust things, but it has to be when we know that they are willing to accept no ‘with a happy heart’ as we say it.
I think that’s where we differ. My daughter might refuse to clean up the toys because she wants to finish the game she’s playing or because she didn’t mess them up in the first place. And that’s ok in my book. Whenever she asks me for something I often say ‘in a minute’, or ‘after I finish this’ or whatever it is at the time. So I have to expect that she is going to behave in a similar way.
Zoey @ Good Googs recently posted..In My Former Life
Childwise! We walk that path with some twists and turns to suit the twists and turns of foster children and special needs children. Everything has context and you pulled the plug on a pressure building situation. We have many stages in our home, training, discipleship and friendship. “Yes Mum” and “Yes Dad” has its place and I’m sure as we do you give your children the ‘age appropriate freedoms’ to share their feelings about issues, particularly as they move up the funnel.
We’ve just pulled one down the funnel for a short time to reinforce some freedom boundaries.
Well done on your relief from what sounds like a LOT of tension.
Hang in there you are headed for awesome (still challenging and that’s not a negative) teen years because you are building a strong foundation that is both relational and respectful….
****Parenting: No method is right, or wrong – it’s just your method ****
Jules recently posted..Cowboys and Itchy Bums
Ha ha. Funny how we both posted similar things today! Sounds like we have similar daughters too! Yes, I agree, the “freedom” to say no (or appeal), but the requirement for it to be done respectfully and politely…
Julie recently posted..Letting our kids say ‘no’?
It’s nice to know someone else is facing similar issues, but also is on the same page too!
I can really relate to this post Jess. My 5 year old has been quite blatantly disobedient & cheeky lately and my husband has been what I thought quite hard on him, but you are right, he needs to know where the boundaries are. I lapse into treating him like an adult when it’s just the two of us as we relate so well & he can seem so much older than he is sometimes. As usual, this parenting gig is proving itself a tough one. Hope you have continued success with Bridie x
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Thanks Nee.
I think it is easy to treat them as older than they are, but down the road it causes all kinds of dramas.
I hope things with Bridie continue to improve to. It’s been hard the last few weeks.
Verbal freedoms is a big one in our house. I love my children and their very obviously adventurous minds. I’ve never been one to stifle expression… but I sometimes wish they could understand WHY things need to be done a certain way instead of questioning it. *sigh*
I’m glad you AAF on your side though!
xxXOoo
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Oh it’s hard isn’t it? You don’t want to squash their little personalities, but at the same time, the resect needs to be there.
Not easy at all!