There’s a kind of pressure that comes with being a parent.
It’s the fact that 24 hours a day you are responsible for another, or multiple, human beings. You can’t take time off; if the kids are present you need to be on your best behaviour.
It’s like working in a job where the boss is always present.
If the boss was aged three and covered in snot.
The wonderous thing about parenting, is that children have so much grace. They forgive our shortcomings more readily than we ourselves do. Even when we lose it, at them or the world, all it takes is a sincere apology and it is forgotten. The slate is wiped clean.
Unless, of course, you are a single parent.
Or you were a single parent.
Or your child has another person they call mum, or dad that they spend time with. A person who may, or may not like you very much. A person who does not share your values, does not understand the stress of parenting (on account of the fact that they only do it part time), and does not get that sometimes, mistakes are made.
In that situation, the guilt never goes away.
I do my best, as a mum, but I do stuff it up, quite regularly. I know my kids are tolerant and love me anyway, and I know that should Taylah have to choose between myself and her biological father…. well there is not a choice. She wouldn’t even find that hard.
But I am always on my guard. Careful of the words I say, the things that I do. Reminding her that some information is not to be shared, without putting her in the impossible position of ‘don’t tell you father.’
I hated that position.
Maybe it makes me a better Parent, because I am always mindful. Maybe it just makes me a little paranoid. But when it was suggested to me that I ask him to rearrange his contact time on the weekend so it fitted in with my schedule, I didn’t feel comfortable.
I don’t want to ask him to have her for extra time, so that I can do something.
For starters, I know she wouldn’t enjoy it.
Secondly, I don’t want to set the precedent. That his allocated times are set in concrete (as they are) unless it doesn’t suit me. I rely on reliability and dependability. I can’t very well be the opposite.
I know he wouldn’t particularly care, but I can’t do it, and I can’t even really say why.
Just that some part of me will not upset the precarious balance because someone else wants my company. That doing so would somehow cross some invisible line in the sand, that I did not even realise I had drawn.
I don’t just have one child to consider; I have four. A whole family who needs structure and routine, and gets invited to birthdays and events, and sometimes these things clash with drop off and pick up times, and I am left with a dilemma. Whose schedule changes? Who misses out? Who will leave early/arrive late or not attend at all?
One decision, made so long ago carries so much weight for the people I adore now.
I don’t worry about my kids forgiving me; they do and they understand me.
Same with boatman. No one ever realises he is not her blood. There is no difference in his affection towards her than any of the others.
But the rest of the world that I send my babies into…. that is my concern.
The ones who see and yet don’t understand.
Who don’t know me or my heart, and that I love my children so much I would never intentionally hurt them or hold them back from anything that is necessary to see them become the people they ought to be.
And that sometimes what seems easy and best is actually neither.
I’m not even sure if this makes sense.
I hope so.
But if it doesn’t it’s because of the pressure.
Always the pressure.
I call it the single parent hangover… http://www.thatspaceinbetween.com/2012/02/06/the-single-parent-hangover/
I never change the times my girl sees her dad, I dont want him to think that I ‘owe’ him. He stopped seeing her about a year ago and to tell you the truth I was relieved (and then got angry) because I could breath on the weekends, instead of holding my breath while she was there (even though I never had a reason to believe she was safe).
It makes sense to me x
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Yep I get all that. The anger when they don’t show, then the relief cause life is normal again, and you know what’s going on. And the idea of owing; I hate that. It used to be when she was little, that if he missed out cause she was sick, we had to make it up another day. Kinda got ridiculous.
Single parent hangover pretty much sums it up….
I totally get where you are coming from.I know I would be the same and not sure that I could pin point why either.I just know I always had routine for my girl and I would never want to be the one to change the time of the dads pick up etc.Not that I ever had to make that decision but I know I wouldnt and dont like to give any one any reason to throw something back in my face and that has come about just from past experiences.
I think it is so beautiful that you dont want your daughter to be away from you for longer than you think she would be happy with just so someone else can have your company.
What a great and compassionate mum you are.
You are doing the best job you can of balancing it all and making your children feel the love and security of Home.Do you realise how special that is.
What I would really love for you to do is take that Pressure you are feeling and Replace it with Pride.xx
I really cannot Thankyou enough. Everytime you comment here, your words are thoughtful and inspiring. You have a real gift of encouragement you know, and that is such a treasured thing.
Thankyou. Xxx
YOU ARE RIGHT!
My parents were separated and my stepdad didn’t come onto the scene until I was 14. But what I do know is my dad was not reliable, lacked the ability to show responsibility. Despite the fact that when we did go and stay with him we’d go to the movies, the fun park, shopping and spend up, I didn’t really have any respect for him, he let us down too many times. What I’m trying to say is I respect my mum, I look up to my mum, when people tell me I’m just like her I feel honoured. Because structure, disipline, rules, it’s all love, and as a child you know that.
I read a quote recently that said something like ‘Children forget what you said, but they never forget how you made them feel’. These are true words. Sounds like no matter how demanding or exhausting parenting is, you’re making wise decisions.
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Thanks Mandy, that was exactly what I neeeded to hear. Taylah usually enjoys going because of the activities, not because of the relationship, and I find that really sad for both of them.
It’s good to know that even now, she should understand that even when I’m imperfect, I only ever try to love her.
Amen to all of that and more! My eldest never had time with his biological father and says he doesn’t care as it was his father’s loss and he doesn’t have time to wish away his life…but the younger three have always had their time with their father. It works both ways…as long as the children WANT to be with us…thankfully we seem to have cracked that balance mostly.
I’m sure our children will grow and remember we tried to do our best for them either way Jess. Mindful parenting is the best method I’ve found! xx
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Mindful is a good way of looking at it. But I think that’s kind of necessary no matter whether parents are together or not!
I’m lucky as I have never had to personally experience single motherhood, several friends have though and I have seen how the bitterness towards the ex can lead to much emotional turmoil for the child/ren.
Its hard when they are young and one child misses out on or gets to do something special, but that happens even when the family are all together. I like to believe that it builds resilience, and as long as you are doing the best you can with what you have at the time, you will have a good relationship well into their adult life. Xx
Thanks Suzi. Xxx
My younger three are already very good about being accepting when they don’t do fun things or get the stuff Taylah does on her outings.
Interestingly though, it’s usually Tay who feels she has missed out, cause we don’t stop out lives either when she is not here, because we don’t want her to feel it revolves around her. Everything happens as it normally would.
My dear, I think you a e a good parent. I don’t really believe in “perfect” parents because nobody is perfect. We all sin and make mistakes. There are always always going to be too many people to please… I think one of the ways to keep our sanity is to remind ourselves that we cannot please everybody, and we shld just focus should be on the people that matter to us. That understand our actions w/o us needing to explain a whole lot.
We live in a society and I can’t exactly see screw the rest of the world, but just not let it be too pressurizing on you. Big hugs.
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Thanks Ai.
I know perfect parents (and children) don’t exist, but it would be nice if they did!
As it is, my family comes first. Everyone else will just have to understand that. Xxx
I have no experience in what you are dealing with, except that I am a child from a broken home. I never went to visit my father (that was not his doing, it was my decision….. trying to be loyal to a mother who angled for sides to be taken).
So, that being said, the mere fact that you are not only agonising over who misses out because of scheduled pickup/dropoff times and so forth, and not just pleasing yourself shows me you are doing your damndest to ensure as good as possible outcomes for your children. NOBODY can ask anything more of you than that xxx
Thanks Kirilly. Xx
It’s a hard balance sometimes and I feel bad that my kids have to suffer for my mistakes. But then, haing said that, Taylah is in no way a mistake, and I wouldn’t change her for the world. I guess I just have to accept that this is life.
Must have been hard for you growing up with that competitive pressure. I know many people who had that and it was never nice.
Jess you sound like a wonderful mum and boatman sounds like an amazing dad to all of your children. Maybe you are being a little hard on yourself? I think you have four very lucky little people xx
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I am without a doubt, my harshest critic.
Thanks so much for your kind comment.
I so totally get what you are saying here Jess. I have a step-daughter and I am strict- her father only got strict with her once I came on the scene and laid down some ground rules- her mum lets her do as she pleases and dont care what she gets up to.
Unfortunately, I know as my as my step-daughter has chosen 50/50 if she had to chose full time- she would chose her mum. Like most teenagers my step daughter prefers freedom and thinks she is old enough to do stuff on her own. but she dont understand RESPONSIBILITY.
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It’s so hard isn’t it? But at least it’s 50/50. That 50% no doubt does her the world of good.
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Hey Jess, it’s my first time here and wow, what an introduction. It’s wonderful how you share your thoughts and moments with such honesty. I’m sure you are helping many parents who are in the same situation as yourself.
Mistakes or not, the greatest gift you can give your children is love and I can see you love your children with all your heart. That’s all you need to remember. xx
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Thank you so much for your kind comment Penny.
I’m so glad to see that our love shines through.
Thanks for visiting
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Wow, Jess. Just when I thought I knew you well, I read this thought-provoking and emotional post. I think you’re doing a great job !
There will always be people who don’t understand or question things that they don’t know the background too.
But it’s always going to come back to the unconditional love that you have for your family that will see you through. Many hugs x
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Well Grace, I do like to keep people guessing!
That’s right, there are those who won’t get it, and that’s ok. I just have to do what is right for us! Xx
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Hi Jess,
I totally get this too. What you are doing is being very clear to Taylah’s dad and to Taylah what the boundaries are as that is what your relationship with him requires. It shows sound judgement and selflessness.
I have been separated and reconciled a year later. That year and the mediation etc that surrounded it nearly killed me. I wouldn’t mess with any of it either. xx
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Thankyou Lee. Your comment made me feel completely justified. Boundaries need to be clear and strict in these situations.
I’m glad you guys were able to work it out again; it’s such a hard place to be in.
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Jess I had no idea and that is the awesome thing because you and boatman make your family so seamless. I can only imagine the pressure it must put you under though hun and just wanted to say, go easy on yourself, from my spectators position looking in to your world, you are a beautiful and amazing mum. xxx
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Thanks Sonia. Xxx
Most people don’t know; not because we don’t tell them but because boatman is just awesome like that.
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Hi Jess, I left a comment but it didnt seem to work. I had no idea hun as you and boatman make your family seems so seamless which is awesome. I can only imagine how tough the pressue must be, but I just wanted to say – please go easy on yourself hun because from my spectators position looking in on your world, you are a beautiful and amazing mum xx
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For the first time this week, after talking with a collegue going through the step-family thing, I thought about what it would be like to share parenting with someone without choice. Another parent in the mix, a step-parent. I have to say the thought horrifies me, even though I come from a blended family with two loving step parents. I think that it takes amazing strength and courage and patience and maturity to be a good parent AND/OR a good step-parent. To put aside your differences and do what is best for the children must be SO difficult when life and relationships are so complex. The pressure – indeed. I can’t imagine having to deal with it and I hope I never do.
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I hope you never have to as well!
My husband is such a womderful parent though. Most people don’t realise the situation, and he doesn’t treat her any differently at all, which is rare and so beautiful.
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I’m really lucky in that my ex stepped right out of the picture. I’m actually terrified that one day he will show up and say ‘ta-da I’m ready to be a father’, then lawyer up and send me down that path. I shudder to think of being forced to have that kind of relationship.
At least you have boatman on your side, you’re not under the pressure alone, and while being a strained dynamic with the 3rd party, you’re all trying to make it work for the kids. That’s more than many families.
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I’m really blessed with my family despite the circumstances, and so glad that it has worked the way it has.
I can imagine that you would be both grateful and concerned for the future; it’s always an unknown element.
Thankfully we have Taylah full time except for day visits, cause that’s what she wants. I’d hate to see what happened if he pushed for his entitled time.
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