What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
There’s a stigma that’s attached to the use of medication. I’m not sure why but it’s there.
I can clearly remember the fuss years ago when Tom Cruise attacked Brooke Shields for being so open with her use of antidepressants for PND.
As a society, I think we’ve come a long way in addressing this, but the argument is still there in my head. Somehow having to rely on medication makes you less of a person.
Now I know this thinking is completely flawed. I quite often rely on my Ventolin Puffer to help me breathe, and that doesn’t make me any less of a person.
So why should it be any different? This block in my head now? It shuts me down just like my lungs do in an asthma attack.
I feel like I can’t breathe.
My issue with depression medication, is that it’s changing the way your mind works, and I don’t seem to trust it. Like it’s all a giant conspiracy theory and who knows what is real anyway?
If I’m miserable and down without it, is that just the way I’m meant to be, because it’s the way my body is functioning? Or if I’m happy and perky on it, is that me hyped up on drugs, or just my body being restored to what it’s supposed to be?
On and on the conversation goes around and around in my mind, both arguments competing for equal floor time.
I know the logical answer. I know first hand the effectiveness of good medication and that it does not change me; it is refreshing to be me as I know I was.
Like taking a puff of Ventolin when the air is cold, it opens me up and lets the air in.
But, there’s still the stigma.
It’s subtle sometimes, but it’s there.
Innocent comments.
A conversation someone else had. ‘Is she going on drugs or is she just going to fight it?’
A innocent, yet incredulous, question, ‘Are you still on those?’
A well meaning comment. ‘I’m so proud of you for trying to get off them.’
And the answers I wish I was brave enough to say.
“I am fighting! I want to fight! Me filling that script is choosing to fight. I can’t fix this on my own.”
“Yes, I am still on them. I’d love to not be, but I can’t do it. My brain is broken. It’s really not my fault.”
“Will you still be proud of me if I’m on them forever?” (The answer to that, was a big, fat, resounding yes.)
But beyond the stigma and the arguments and the conspiracy theory, there is also reality. And the reality I am living is that without my little white tablet, at this stage, I am not all I can be. All I’m meant to be.
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad
My mind is full, and as a result I have trouble concentrating on just about anything else.
Looking to a have a glass of wine to sooth my anxiety is not an appropriate or healthy solution.
And more than that….
For the last week, my almost six year old keeps telling me she ‘feels sad,’ but she doesn’t know why. Today I read that left untreated, depression can almost be contagious. Children and partners can absorb those depressive feelings and are more prone to suffering from them themselves.
My Bridie is a beautiful, full of life, firecracker of a kid. I refuse to let her become anything less because I feel like I should be walking around with a tin foil hat on my head.
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I’m Yours
This is the way, this is the way
After beginning to share this with you all yesterday, I was blown away by the comments and support received on my blog, Facebook and twitter. Humanity can be such a beautiful thing.
In once afternoon, your words removed all the negative stigma from mental illness.
Your thoughts, they helped me breathe.
The words and the hugs and the kisses and all the love they represented, followed by Boatman asking me to go back on the Zoloft showed me that ‘winning’ is not necessarily about finishing the race first, it’s about your attitude while you’re running it.
If I’m stuck on these forever, that doesn’t mean I’ve lost.
It means I’m strong enough to accept that things are not how I would like, and move on anyway.
It means I’ve got enough support to know that when I fall, I have others to pick me up again if I can’t do it myself.
It means that I can see the future, and know that there is a future beyond the busyness of every mundane day.
When the morning dawns, I’ll make a change and move forward. For a few days I’ll still struggle. I’ll still feel like I’m losing. My mind will still be blocked.
But soon, in the near future, it will get better. I’ll feel better. And I’ll be back. My zany, crazy, Jess of a self.
Still broken. Still imperfect. Still needing more help than I care to admit.
But still Jess.
Learning to crawl
I’m finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I’m living again, awake and alive
I’m dying to breathe in these abundant skies
Fantastic post Jess. You are not alone in this struggle. I just know that by sharing your experience here with us, there will be more than one person who feels like they are able to breath a little easier knowing that they too are not alone because you have been brave enough to speak out.
As always fairy wishes and butterfly kisses to you my lovely friend xx
Rhianna recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – Praying
I hope so. Helping would be the one good thing to come out of this.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
This post brought happy tears to my eyes Jess as it confirms what I said to you last night on twitter.You are Brave,you are Strong and you are a Wonderful mother.
I love that you see it is not a sign of weakness to take medication,just as taking ventolin is not a sign of weakness.Medication is there to help our body function as it is supposed to do.
I love how you are so brave to face your fears,put them out there and by doing so will be helping many others feel they too are not alone.
I love how you are always thinking of family and how you feel our actions do affect our children…..beautiful mama that you are.
Never ever think of yourself as weak because what you have written and what you are prepared to do for yourself and your family shows a woman of Tremendous Strength.
Stand tall and proud about that Jess.Only good things can come from such strength and such courage.You are an inspiration.Huge hugs of support to you amazing lady.xx
Thanks Deb.
Once again your kind words are such an encouragement to me. xx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
I love that you have written these posts, great insight into what depression is like. Reading these posts, and the comments is making me realise that all the dr’s and therapy will give me tools to help me manage my depression/ anxiety and that their may never be a cure for my medical condition. When I was first diagnosed I thought I would be able to fight it and be cured, but I now believe its a chronic condition that will probably not go away. The stigma is horrible, I have avoided telling many people, and I think this is because of the stigma I attach to depression. I think that if they know they will treat me differently or think I am not capable. But when I do share my struggles I find the opposite, my friends are genuinely concerned, some may need a little education, but so did I. It’s hard being a Christian with depression. So often we attach wellness to being godly, but really I should have more understanding than most of the brokenness of this world, that effects everything, even our minds and the chemicals inside them. How great God is that he has saved us in our brokeness and we will be whole again in heaven!
Amen
The mother experiment recently posted..Things I’ll never know
Double amens!
Janet recently posted..The Many Faces of Depression
Amen!
Really, its in our brokeness that we seek him out more. If we had it all together, we wouldn’t need him would we?
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
You are still you are still you. That is all and all that matters to me.
Ai Sakura recently posted..Hong Kong 2012: Tips for Bargain-hunting in Street Markets
Thanks Ai. xx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
Completely understand and have been there as well. It sounds like you are getting support, which is lovely.
Like I said in my previous comment, hopefully you work out what’s right for you (irrespective of what others may think etc).
xxxx
Deb recently posted..An idiot’s guide to speed-dating
I think I’m getting there. its just letting go of unhealthy mindsets that is the tricky thing.
Thanks for the support xx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
Hey Jess, such a wonderful post. I’ve not had depression but I’ve agonised over whether to take a pill at times for anxiety – thinking I should be tough and be able to do without it. As if we don’t have enough going on that we need to beat ourselves up over accepting help as well!!!
Your post probably articulated a lot of people’s worries about medication. Good on you for sharing.
A couple of books I could recommend for you in regards to your little girl: Alexandra Massey “Happy Kids”, and for when she is older, “I just want you to be happy – Preventing and tackling teenage depression”, by Leanne Rowe et al. The latter in particular is fantastic, even for parents of teens who aren’t depressed, it’s just got great advice. But the first I found really helpful and interesting and it relates to younger children too.
All the best xx
Rachel @ The Kids Are All Right recently posted..‘You’re grounded’ and other futile punishments
Thanks for this Rach. xxx
I’ll look the books up.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
I’ve still got the stigma in my own head. For some reason I am fine with others using it but not me. I don’t want to need them. I don’t want to admit I don’t need them. My kids are young enough to not remember if I screw up so now is an ok time. I wanna give myself a deadline though. This post has confirmed a stirring a have to dig out my old biochemistry textbooks and look into brain chemistry and nutrition etc. I am still searching for an easy answer. Something I need to eat, something I need to not eat, something, anything! Coz I am not depressed everyday unlike most people with depression I sometimes have really good days. So for me that gives me some homework. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s worth it though, if I’m ‘fighting demons in my head’ for nothing just being stubborn. I wish I knew. How do you get to the point where you know you NEED them, you know?
The mother experiment recently posted..Things I’ll never know
I have good days to, so I get that. I think you know when you can’t take anymore, and for me, it was Boatman saying something as well. He knows me better than I know myself I think.
I get the thing about no stigma for anyone else, but you do for you. I was like that. But honestly, after been on them, then off, and sliding, I wish I hadn’t stopped. I hate feeling like this.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
Excellent post. Someone close to me has fought this same battle and has just come to the realisation that she needs to stay on the medication probably forever – because that is just the way her mind is wired. There is no stigma, at least not from those of us who know her – because we would rather see her happy and healthy than struggling to survive small tasks that we take for granted. Sounds like you are on the same path of realising that you need the medication to help you breathe and be you. The you that your family love.
Cathy recently posted..Top 10 Annoying Behaviours in the Family Car
Thanks Cathy.
I think the stigma is definitely dwindling, cause so many people are on them these days. It’s become much more widely accepted.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
Wow. WOW. This is the best post on the subject of depression medication I have read in….. erm, EVER I think. You are so spot on – with regard to how it affects those around you. My God. Light bulb moment for me. I resisted being medicated for 4 years. I never ended up going on it. That effing stigma nearly did me in (I did find my way through but it was long, I suffered health-wise and ended up affecting my partner as well). Thank you, Jess. You have helped me with something today. Something I need to work on. Some more…! xxxxxx
Kirrily @ Sunny Side Up recently posted..Ancestors: Sometimes the healing is in the not knowing
So glad I could help, though I really have no idea how I did!
It’s such an awful, horrid battle. Hope you can work through what you need to. xxx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
Good luck with it Jess – hoping you can unblock your mind and feel more like you again, whatever that takes. Take care and look after yourself.
Kirsty @ My Home Truths recently posted..I Survived Solo Parenting Week!
Thanks Kirsty.
Me too. Hate feeling like this.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
I dedicate this song to you Jess… (listen to the words!)
(Jana Stanfield – Doesn’t mean that I’m not strong)
Much love,
Catherine xx
Catherine Rodie Blagg @CoTaaB recently posted..Rude!
That was such a beautiful song. Thankyou xx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
I’m going to echo what Ai said about who you are is what matters to us.
Do whatever you feel is right. No judgement here. Just the hope and wish that you will feel better soon x
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Thanks Grace. xx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
Yay Jess!
I know what you mean about the conflicted feelings about taking medication. As a Christian too, the other thought that intrigues me is this: When people say I am a balanced, healthy, positive, loving, caring, (or any other nice word) person – is it the Holy Spirit in me that they are seeing (I hope so!). Or is it just the Zoloft???!!!!
I choose to believe the Zoloft helps me be me. The Holy Spirit does the rest.
Janet recently posted..The Many Faces of Depression
Ha ha! Yes exactly!
I have all these thoughts on this too… must write them down one day.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
First of all let me say, well done. You are standing up and realising what you need to do to help yourself. I agree that there is a stigma attached to anti-depressants. I’ve taken more than I care to remember, and although sometimes I wonder if perhaps I need to see my doctor again, the hunt for the right treatment, and the dozens of meds I tried, still not finding one I felt was helping deters me from it every time.
But stay strong, if you’re on them for the rest of your life, at least you are able to do that for your kids.
Chrissie xx
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That’s right Chrissie. Sometimes you have to do it for others, and I’m very blessed that I have no reactions to Zoloft at all, and it suits me very well.
Hoping you can find what you need soon. xx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
How wonderful to hear! You are an amazing person. Keep strong lovely!
I’ll try Morgan
xx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
We don’t expect people to walk around on a broken leg with a cast or crutches. Having a mental health issue is the same. Why would you be expected to do the same? You are strong. You are awesome. You are fabulous. Being on medication makes you no less than all these things.
I hope that makes sense.. I am by no means an expert on these things.. but couldn’t not comment.
Loz x
Loz recently posted..Hello, Friday.
Makes perfect sense.
Thanks for the support Loz. xx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
It sucks that there is a stigma around mental health medication. And mental illness in general. I believe that some people NEED this medication the same as others need their heart meds or their allergy meds. Their body needs it to function. It’s a shame not everyone can see it the same way.
Kylie @ Octavia and Vicky recently posted..Soup for the soul
Such a shame. I think the tide is turning, but there will always be the people who make their judgements.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
Yes, you are definitely the Jess I’d be happy to hang out with… any day. Everyday is a step forward and you are taking those. Just be happy to be. Love to YOU! xxXOoo
carmen recently posted..How to “do” childrens hospital appointments.
One day we will hang out and it will be awesome!
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
Stay strong, do what you love and don’t pay attention to what others may think. I am so glad that you are getting support.
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Thankyou Janet. xx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
Put Zoloft in the water supply like fluoride I say!
Take care Jess. We all need to find our own way. xx
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