I feel all blocked up. Like my mind has got a metal clad wall around it, that is not letting anything out, and yet stuff is just dripping out of me anyway. Which sounds gross and disgusting I know, but bear with me. I’m trying to push it through.
I had to take Ava to the doctor the other day, because she has been quite constipated of late, and the GP explained to me exactly how constipation works. I won’t bore with the gory details but to put it this way, if your blocked for too long, the muscles in your rectum (sorry) get used to being stretched, and don’t send the message to your brain that you need to use the bathroom. The muscles also don’t work as efficiently, and if you’re too long like that, the stretching can get big enough that other yucky stuff leaks past the boulder in the way so to speak.
This is what I feel like.
Like I’m stuck and I can’t get rid of the yucky, and all this crazy emotion is pouring outside of it and I can’t do anything about it.
I’ve been so emotional the last few days. One can blame it on the time of month, but whatever it is, everything is making me teary. Bailey’s last day of Kindy yesterday was devastating, an ad for the Olympics about mums was gut wrenching, and watching Buffy on DVD has just about broken me. Seriously, why couldn’t Buffy and Angel work it out?
I’m crying over fictional TV characters on a show that hasn’t been on TV since 2003, and yet all the stuff inside of me, all the stuff I need to say, I can’t.
It’s blocked.
It’s more than a pain in the butt.
I know why. I can tell you, but I don’t want to. Which really, is just an admission in itself. Because the last time I felt like this, I couldn’t admit it either. There was too much shame. Too much denial.
No one wants to admit to being broken.
No one is happy when their body falls apart on them.
No one wants to admit that maybe, just maybe, they can’t do it on their own.
But I do.
I do want to do it on my own.
I want to win. I want to be better and whole and not need to write this crappy post to push out all the crap because the seratonin levels in my brain can’t seem to right themselves.
It’s been two years. Two years since a bitch of a pregnancy had me stuck on my couch, a broken shell of who I really am.
Two years this week, since I was safe enough to get up and walk around and not have my baby in danger of prem labour.
Two years of me not being ok.
I love my Ava. Completely love her. Adore her to bits.
But having her, broke me.
First it was Ante-natal depression, then it’s best friend post-natal. I tried to fight it on my own for nine months. Tried to ignore the hollow ache and the growing anxiety and all the stress! My God, the stress! Not being able to cope with simple tasks. Having a panic attack at the idea of having to make dinner.
Nine months and I got help.
Screw diamonds, Zoloft is a girls best friend.
I followed all the rules and took it for six months, before trying to wean off it.
I crashed and burnt. I wasn’t ready.
I tried again not long after with much the same results.
And I had resigned myself to living on Anti-depressants forever.
Until recently.
I felt good. I felt strong. I felt like it was time.
So I tried again. Down to half a tablet every day. Then every other day. One week, two weeks, three, all is fine.
And now….
Now I’m blocked. I can’t sleep at night for all the business in my head, the business I can’t seem to stop.
I’m so stressed. All the time stressed. So busy, so crazy, and there’s not enough time.
I’m tired.
And I’m down.
And sometimes, I’m angry.
But the only viable solution I can see, is the one I don’t want to take. I don’t want to be on these tablets. I want to be fixed and better, and work properly.
I don’t want my brain to be broken any more.
I keep thinking I can beat this thing. If I keep trying, if I keep pushing through, maybe I can win.
But what if I can’t?
What if I’m like this forever?
I feel so much like I’m lost. Like all the confident posts of the past were somehow a lie. And I am a fake sham of a person who is not like that at all unless she is medicated. Like because I can’t be that way now without the drugs, I mustn’t actually be that way. Who I am is just an anxious crazy person, who doesn’t want to make dinner for her family and can’t write anything else because it would be inauthentic. Anything light and chipper or bordering on amusing would just be so far from who I am.
So many thoughts in my busy, blocked brain, trying to sort the truth from the lies.
Trying to decide if continuing to fight on without Zoloft is brave or just down right stupid.
Trying so hard to not be broken.
I don’t need anyone’s judgement on this. Please don’t tell me I need to be back on the full medication. I actually know that. I’m just having trouble accepting it at the moment. Depression is a horrible thing. It screws with the way you see the world.
But all I want is to be me; healed and whole and not clouded by a mental illness or a Zoloft prescription.
Oh babe.
none of this is your fault and nobody is judging you (well, maybe a few faceless people might be but do you know what, they are not worth it). You know where I stand on meds, and I’m terribly sorry if my post from a few weeks ago upset you in any way, but whether you take them or not is your decision not anyone else’s. Your kids, boatman and God love you no matter what. You do whatever you need to do to take care of you and I’m sure they will support you. It’s not an easy thing. Brain chemistry is incredibly complicated. Psychology is incredibly complicated. Taking meds is not cheating. Not taking meds is not being irresponsible. I am fighting with all my might to avoid meds at the moment because I have a legitimate fear that I’ll never be able to come off them. It is an incredibly hard road. You needed them at the time and they have served you well. You dont have to answer to anybody. I’m praying for you that whatever you decide you have peace and clarity about your decision. I do know that you are a very strong woman, whether you need a little bit of help or not. Xx I hope at least one sentence of this ramble makes sense.
The mother experiment recently posted..Things I’ll never know
Thankyou Karlee. The med decision is difficult but only because it’s easy for me. I know I need to go back on them. This is not how I’m supposed to be.
But like you, it’s that fear that of I do, I’ll never come off.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
Praying for you lovely lady!
Thankyou Morgan. Xx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
Darling Jess,
We don’t know each other, but I recognise your struggle. Your post brought tears to my eyes and I can’t wait for the second instalment. Yes, I gave up on diamonds long ago and have been on this ride for just over 9 years… sometimes medicated, sometimes not.
I really want to win too.
Two gorgeous children and a marriage breakdown 18 months behind me, I am still here, happy, whole. I haven’t won yet, but I believe the day will come. I believe yours will too.
Hang in there and if you ever want to unload on a stranger I am more than happy to be that stranger.
Dana* xx
Dana, it is so encouraging to know we are not alone isn’t it? The comments on this post, and all the support is so wonderfully surprising and inspiring, I feel completely speechless.
Maybe we need to change what we think winning is? Maybe just being healthy,w hatever it takes is enough. Xxx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
nothing fake about the past, the point of life is there are highs and lows. so all of this past and present is real and that is OK. Hang in there.
Mandy recently posted..Plant a Tree Day 2012
Thanks Mandy. My head is so muddled at the moment. I have no idea what is true or not.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
Jess,
We don’t know each other, yet as sufferers of Postnatal Depression I feel that I can understand your struggle. My son is almost 4, yet since he was born I’ve been on and off many different types of anti depressants and tried lost of other therapy…but yet, where is the end? Where is the day you wake up and your that person you were before?
Sharing your story is one of the hardest things to do and you should be so proud of yourself for speaking out, as you will touch lots of other Mums out there.
I know at times you can feel so alone in your struggle and there are days when you just need to shut your self off from the world….But I have learnt that we are not alone and by sharing with us you make me feel less alone in this. I’m still struggling today with even getting out of my PJ’s but I read your post and cried and suddenly did not feel so alone.
While depression can sometimes throw your world upside down, remember to never loose hope.
Your an amazing women xx
Christina
Mums Helping Mums PND Support Network
http://mumshelpingmumspndsupportnetwork.blogspot.com.au/
https://www.facebook.com/MumsHelpingMumsPND
I’m amazed at how many of us there are out there. The support in writing this has been completely overwhelming.
It’s amazing what pregnancy does to your body; how it can change you forever. I never expected that after being fine after three. I think sometimes I still feel ripped off about it.
Thankyou for your encouraging words. Xx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
Whatever you decide to do Jess, just be kind to yourself.
Big hugs lovely lady.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Maria Tedeschi (Mum’s Word) recently posted..ROCK OF AGES AND ALL THAT JAZZ
Thankyou xx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely lady. I think you are strong and amazing, with or without meds.
Rhianna recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – Praying
Thanks Rhi. Xxx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
Jess, darling, I totally get this post. I’ve been there. Funnily enough depression is what I’m posting on my blog about tomorrow – because I’ve been feeling for some time that I need to share my journey, to help others. To let them know they’re not alone. To let them know there is nothing wrong with being on medication. PRAISE GOD FOR ZOLOFT! I’ve been on it for 13 years now with only one break and I went downhill FAST without it. I love myself AND my family too much to go off it now – we deserve better than the shell of a person I become without it. Think of it this way, if you had high blood pressure and found out you had to take a tablet each day for the rest of your life, you would, wouldn’t you! You’d be crazy not too! Why do we stigmatise depression and make it any different. If you ever wanna chat you know where I am. And I will be sharing about my own depression journey on my blog each Friday over the next few weeks. Big hugs and much love xxx
PS I totally get the whole constipation analogy. Mr 18 used to suffer from it as a tiny tot and “soiled” often … it’s a good analogy!
Janet recently posted..Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous – now available to everyone!
Janet, I love your analogy about taking medication for high blood pressure. No one would even think twice about whether or not to take medication if it was for a ‘medical condition’ . Doesn’t matter what part of your body is not working properly, if you need medication, you need it.
Big hugs to you, Jess! Things will get better.
Leanne recently posted..5 Reasons Mummies Go Back To Work
I’m so glad you’re writing about it. I think that as Christians sometimes the stigma is even worse than it is for others.
I look forward to reading it.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
Oh Jess honey I could of written this word for word.. I know exactly what youre going through.. My baby is almost 3 and I am still not better.. Im so mad at my brain, mad at not getting help sooner, mad at everything! I just want to be normal again! Every now and then I have a great day and say to HB this is what it must feel like to be well… You know we are so much stronger because of the fight we are fighting.. Don’t push yourself too hard, allow yourself to be wonderful but not perfect.. Its like my quack says~ if you had a broken leg youd wrap it in plaster and stay off it until it was well- the brain is exactly the same! big hugs xx
Mum’s the Word recently posted..Wordless Wednesday~ Bon Fire Night!
How do I stay off my brain? That sounds like a nice idea!
I get what you mean though. I’m angry to that it hasn’t fixed itself yet. And those good days are so wonderful and refreshing, it feels good just to breath!
I’d like to breath again.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
Having been on Zoloft in the past, I so know where you are. There is nothing to say you WILL be on them for life. There is just plenty to say you need them right now. That isn’t giving up… that is making sure you still have hope. Look towards what you want and you’ll get there. I did. And I’m here to lean on. xxXOoo
carmen recently posted..How to “do” childrens hospital appointments.
That is such good advice. Look forward and try again then.
I know I need them now and boatman has asked me to go back on them so I will. But I can hope its not forever. It’s not a life sentence.
Thankyou. Xxx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
You are not a ‘fake sham’ of a person. Your writing is some of the rawest and most honest that I read. And I love that – because it’s who you are. I’m with Janet too – we take pills for physical illnesses, so there’s NOTHING to be ashamed of in having to take them for our mind as well. I’ll be praying for you.xx
Debbie @ Aspiring Mum recently posted..Lemon Delicious Pudding
Thanks Deb. Thats such a beautiful comment. Xx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
Jess – there is nothing fake about your past posts! You are real and your posts reflect where you are at certain points in time.
There is not a lot left for me to say that has not so beautifully already been written in the comments above. Read these and then read them again, you are not alone.
Thank you for this post, your honesty is one of your best attributes.
Take care on this journey, do not judge yourself, do not give up, it’s just a dip in the ride x
Carly recently posted..Review – How To Be a Woman
Thanks Carly.
The Comments are truly amazing and inspiring. I’m blown away by people’s concern.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
Thoughts are with you honey. Hang in there. You have so much fantastic support from fellow bloggers. It blows me away that so may women suffer from depression! You do what you have to do. Sending lots of love from my house to yours. Xxxxxx
Thankyou. I’m surprised too. Lots of people out there.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
I’ve been on those wonderful tablets myself before. Gosh they work brilliantly but it can be such a shock to come off them. Have you tried thought training? Training yourself to see the signs of breakdown so that you can actually attack the bastards? Depression is such a bitch but it really is like any other chronic condition, we take the medication or we fight for a different way out of it, it’s always going to be there. I love how honest you always are and I don’t think you’re fake at all. Anyone who has had a similar experience knows exactly what you mean. I love myself, I’m a child of our loving God, but that doesn’t stop my mind from causing me to feel hate for my very existence. You are not alone. x
Lauren @ The Surprise Beginning recently posted..Milestones and Lowlights – A Hairdressing Miscommunication!
I often try and combat negative thoughts with truth, because I know that they are ninety nine percent of the time not true. The hard thing is the anxiety and the stress levels. They don’t creep up as much as just show up and I find that very hard to cope with.
And the not sleeping. I’m so exhausted and yet I just can’t.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
No judgement here. I was going to send a big, squishy internet hug and then I remembered your hugging vlog. Which, like every other post I’ve read, I’m sure was real and you, no matter your current thoughts on your past posts.
So let’s go with sending happy thoughts, a blown kiss (x) and nothing but the best wishes for you.
Emily recently posted..Kids remember everything
I can do virtual hugs. Nothing scary about them
But Thankyou. Xxx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
My beautiful Jess, if you had some other illness, you’d take the medication in order to feel better. Mental illness sometimes requires long-term medication, and that’s ok.
I’m on them for life, but it took me a LONG time to accept that. I’ve tried to come off them more times than I can count on one hand. Not worth the pain I put my family through. My crazy is incurable
I will say though, that CBT helped a lot. I managed 5 years pill-free. You might have a much better success rate.
Love you, happy, sad, mad or bad xxxx
Jayne recently posted..homework sucks, kill me now
And I love you! Xx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
Hi Jess,
You followed me on Twitter and I came to visit you on your blog.
I’m going to share some info with you that might help you. I am a pharmacist who retired and became an exercise scientist.
Looking at your situation very clinically and dispassionately – your sleeping issues are a direct reflection that perhaps your current depression is more biologically driven right now (chemical imbalance). You can do all the therapy in the world, but it won’t fix the root problem (the imbalance).
What causes the imbalance —> where you’re at right now post partum, it’s likely to be the mix of pregnancy/post partum hormones that have thrown things out of whack. This will continue on for some time.
Sounds like continuation on the meds is the right thing for now (sorry if you didn’t want to hear that).
If you’re not treated for this, then self esteem, joy etc heads downwards. With the chemical imbalance sorted (for now) and some therapy such as CBT as mentioned above, will help you find a bit more joy in life.
From my compassionate point of view. Even though my kids are much older, I had PND and have had two major depressive episodes since. I am grateful to my hubby who literally dragged me kicking and screaming to the doctor for some treatment – he could see I was being a nutter when I couldn’t – I thought I wasn’t worthy of fighting for some happiness. Otherwise I just may not be here giving my unsolicited (ha!) advice.
Good luck!
Liz@LastChanceTraining recently posted..Are you a temperature sensitive trainee?
Thanks Liz. I think that was exactly what I needed to hear.
I haven’t been to any therapy. It’s an expense for one thing, but also the thought of finding the time is just another stressor.
When I was on the Meds I felt good. I didn’t feel like there was any unresolved issues or root causes, so I’m hoping it is just biological.
I really would like to get some sleep one time…
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
Oh dear Jess. They are all you in that moment. There was no lie.
Please be kind to yourself. Depression is a bitch. It’s about managing it, not curing it.
But you probably know that already. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Lee recently posted..{36/52} Forty One
You know, that’s the first time I’ve thought of it like that; managing not curing. When I see it like that, the Zoloft doesn’t seem so scary.
Thankyou Lee xx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
Oh Jess, I wish I knew what to say- but I hear you very well, and I will be praying for you so much. I am sure that with God’s help you will be okay. Hugs, lovely one xxx
Robyn (@slightly_deep) recently posted..What is the point of you?
I’ll take those hugs and those prayers. Xxx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
I’ve been feeling like I have a lot to say but struggling to find the words to say it also. Being blocked is hard on people like us who use our words as a release.
I’m just going to squeeze you, yep squeeze because then it’s not a hug right? And hopefully that will help the crap come out
Miss Pink recently posted..Generic is boring
I think it’s so sweet you want to squeeze the crap out of me.
Gross, but sweet.
xxx
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Blocked Part One
Jess, I’ve been down this road before. I’ve been on medication I didn’t want to be on and have believed that I wasn’t whole, that I was “broken”. I’m medication free at the moment but I never for a second believe that I am “cured” or that I will never need them again. For me, medication combined with therapy helped me through some of the roughest parts of my life. I think you are so brave to write about how you’re feeling right now and admitting that you can’t do it on your own, as much as you want to. I hope whatever choice you make that you look after yourself and find peace again.
Kirsty @ My Home Truths recently posted..Online Resources for Special Needs Parents
Like Jayne mentioned, if you had diabetes, you wouldn’t think twice about taking insulin, if you had rheumatoid arthritis, you would take your methotrexate and steroids religiously. You need to look at it in a similar way. It is for life, but it is not a weakness to be taking the best care of your health, whatever treatment, meds or regime it is you need.
What ever your decision, it will be the best for you. Be kind to yourself and sending you best wishes xxxxxxxxx
Dear Jess, what a lovely and loving group of commenters you have here after writing a post which has exposed your pain from this inside to out. I’ve tried no Zolift approach on & off for anxiety & depression since 2002. I’ve thought ” I don’t need this” but now I have come to this realization that the meds are just like the BP that needs meds, the vitamin D my body doesn’t make so much of anymore, and so on.
Apparently we are not perfect! Yes. I said it here first. Perfectionism is over-done. I think women sharing their true stories are the models of real life. Not the glitzed and over-blown images that somehow we get stuck on in our heads of how we “should” be.
Just a new piece of Info I came onto recently about some counseling. I’m sure you’ve heard that Medicare funds up to 12 visits to a psychologist with your GP’s referral. Ask away! I have availed myself of this talking therapy too. The last bit of news is that some Universities are doing on-line programs (free) thought their Psychology departments. Macquarie Uni is one-Sydney based but it’s all on-line. Try googling “Macquarie Uni psychology programs for depression” and a big list will appear.
I know that you WANT to be well, whole and unblocked…your husband loves and cares for you..and so do many others including me. Love yourself too my friend. denyse xx
Denyse Whelan. Education Specialist recently posted..Light Amongst the Dark.
Thank you Denyse.
I’m amazed at the comments generated here as well; such beautiful people.
Feel very blessed.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
Jess some anti-depressants have with drawl periods and you need to come off them very, very slowly. I found gradually stepping down the dose and then when I was almost ready to come off taking them every second day worked for me. The other thing is you may not be ready, but you don’t need to resign yourself to having to take them for the rest of your life – maybe just the next couple of years? It takes a while to re-set broken brains! And remember to do those other things, you know exercise, sit in the sun, have a little me time, get some good sleep. I know when you have children and you’re in a funk it all seems too hard, but it is important. I wish you all the best xo
Thanks Bree.
I did come off slowly, and felt ok for a few weeks, which was much better than last time.
I’ve started taking them again. Decided it was better for everyone
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
Jess…. do whatever you think you need to do – irrespective of what you think you SHOULD do or others think you should do.
Sounds like there’s just a lot happening at the moment as well.
Oh, and… I ended up almost wanting Buffy and Spike to end up together. Angel started to annoy me by the time he left for his own series…. Though it’s weird watching eps now cos he looks so young – compared to how he looks in Bones!
Take car
Deb
Deb recently posted..An idiot’s guide to speed-dating
And care! Though feel free to use the car when needed!
Deb recently posted..An idiot’s guide to speed-dating
You just explained me. I’m sitting here crying. I haven’t been to the docs and I’m not on anything and I always feel down. The past two nights I had an episode which resulted in a fight with my husband cause he can’t understand why I’m depressed and not coping. he just gives me things I can do to make it better. And even though they sound good I just don’t think I can do it. I feel like it will be more work for me and that’s not what I want. All I want to do is nothing. No cooking. No cleaning. No school runs. To him it looks like I don’t want to be here any more that I don’t want to be a mum any more that I want to be single with no worries. And that’s not right. I can’t live without them. Just that I need a break sometimes off all the things that I do and all the things that go through my head.
I’m always thinking maybe his right and I’m wrong. Then I think no his not right and he doesn’t understand. I think that I have undiagnosed post natal depression and I lied on those tests that the nurses do to you to see if your all their. I lied to myself cause I don’t want to be broken. I don’t want to be the crazy one in the family that has depression and is taking medication.
Salz recently posted..Child care: Separation anxiety
Sal please get some help; it sounds like you need it. I lied on the quizzes too, and the system allows us to easily slip through the cracks. But it doesn’t just get better on its own. And it’s awful to not enjoy the little people that you love so much.
I get it. I never stopped loving my kids, but I didn’t want to do anything. It was exhausting just living.
There is no shame in help. It took me a long time to realise that, and evn though I have been trying to still fit this, I know at the end of the day, my family needs me to be well.
Big hugs. I’m here If you need me. Xxx
I want to quote you from your last post
“Who I am is just an anxious crazy person, who doesn’t want to make dinner for her family and can’t write anything else because it would be inauthentic.”
That’s exactly how I have been feeling recently. Been thinking of throwing in the towel on my blog cause I can’t write anything. Everything I seem to be writing is bagging my kids out and showing how bad my house is and how my family sux. I haven’t go anything positive to say about anything to do with my life. I love my kids and they do make me smile but when I think about them I get all anxious like what will they do today. how will I yell at them today. It’s depressing and makes me mad at them for being kids. I contradict myself a lot trying to help to people to make them feel better yet I don’t practice what I preach.
Salz recently posted..Child care: Separation anxiety
Salz you need to see your GP soon. The thing with depression is it doesn’t get better without you doing something – it gets worse and the longer you leave it the harder it is to fix. I have been where you’ve been and while the effort to get well seems huge it is worth it. The sun does shine again!
Hi, Jess – I am from a group called Birthtalk.org. We specialise in healing from difficult/disappointing/traumatic birth (and pregnancy and postnatal period ‘cos it’s all part of the experience), and making peace and moving on. I just wanted to honour your strength in being so honest about ‘where you are’ right now, and also say that considering your experience with that pregnancy and postnatally, it would be really reasonable to be feeling the impact from such experiences. I’ve also just read your posts about Ava’s birth, and the one about how you felt after she was born. To be honest, I am horrified that the doctor you saw decided that counselling wasn’t necessary simply because you are not having any more children. What about the ones you have now? I guess we see the processing of the experience you went through (thru counselling or other ways) as being of immense benefit to you as a woman, which then can affect how you mother, and how you move forward. You went through so much with that pregnancy and birth – it definitely deserves some focus to work through ‘what happened’, which could change how you are feeling now. When I look at your birth of Ava (just from what I have read here), I would say that it would be totally understandable that you might not feel connected to her, in the way that you did with your other babies, due largely to the fact that it appears that it was an incredibly full-on experience, which would have had your adrenalin soaring, which in itself can ‘cancel out’ all those wonderful hormones of love that you know you have felt after your other babies’ births. Not being able to feel your love for her is really common after a traumatic pregnancy/birth, and it is a PHYSIOLOGICAL thing, that you cannot control. It doesn’t mean you don’t love her – not at ALL – it just means you might need support to access those wonderful feelings, and they are likely hidden under the other emotions resulting from the trauma of her arrival. I feel that it might be really beneficial to you to begin to ‘unpack’ the experience of her pregnancy and birth with someone who understands the impact of these. I can source some people local to you if you want to contact me privately. We have women contacting us and coming to our “Healing From Birth’ meetings (they are in Brisbane, and they are free) who are not having any more babies. And many of them have had experiences similar to yours. But they find that processing their births enables them to move back to their families more complete and ready to parent the babies they already have. So – I would say that everything you are describing makes sense, given your experience…and that it is possible to process, make peace and move forward. We’ve been working with women for ten years and see it happen all the time – it is not easy, but it is truly possible. I would like to send you a cyber hug because I have been where you are, and it is a hard place to be. Working through my traumatic birth ended up being the greatest gift I could give my family, and I am so glad I made that journey. Let us know if we can support you in any way – we do phone/skype consultations too, and there are all the articles on our blog, and our website that are designed to support women after experiences just like yours. Best wishes
Melissa recently posted..Do I Need to ‘Walk On Eggshells’ When Talking About Positive Birth to Traumatised Women?
Wow, thanks so much for this.
I think the doctor was quite surprised to be honest, because I had hidden it so very well, so maybe she didn’t realise how bad things were.
I feel that now, I connect to Ava perfectly, and I do adore her to bits. There are things though that I do need to work through; someone mentioned something about labour the other day, and I was angry, so there is obviously some stuff lingering. I’ll check out your website. Thankyou.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Little Girls Vintage Apron Tutorial
Thank you for sharing Jess xxx