Dear Tooth Fairy,
I’m writing to report an obvious discrepancy is your recent business transactions.
On September 11, 2012, my daughter Taylah lost a tooth. Thankfully it was a fairly painless extraction that occurred whilst eating ice-cream.
Now I’m assuming that you have similar omnipresent abilities to Santa and the Easter Bunny, so are no doubt aware of the following information, but just in case, I shall inform you anyway.
Tuesday, for my nine year old, was a particularly bad day. Not only did she begin the morning, more than slightly concerned that her class would again be the victim of a particularly narky relief teacher, but she also suffered a personal tragedy.
Her rabbit died.
And not just of old age or a lingering illness. No. Her two beloved pet bunnies planned a risky escape that resulted in one bouncing happily around the yard, whilst the other was pinned between two bits of chicken wire, and left to die what was either a quick, unexpected death, or a slow suffocation.
We are still dealing with the aftermath of that, with his poor mate somewhat traumatised, and still grieving.
As if that wasn’t enough, dear sir, upon comforting my distressed daughter, I discovered that her hair was literally crawling with head lice.
So many head lice.
Cue extensive stinky hair treatments, and a crick in the next upon major lice egg removal.
Not fun for anyone, I can assure you.
Do fairies get lice?
Relief teacher fear, dead rabbit and the itchiness of ones scalp is pretty bad when your nine. In fact, for a little tacker, that’s a supremely awful day.
Until you break your toe.
Ostensibly, it could be argued that she wanted to follow in her mothers very clumsy footsteps, but regardless, a broken, bruised toe six weeks before the end of year ballet performance is not the greatest outcome.
All of these reasons combined, is why she was granted ice cream Tuesday night, which of course, let to the removal of her tooth.
Now I feel the need to point out, dear fairy, that despire the pre-bedtime reminder by Miss Taylah, you completely forgot to swap her tooth for cash. (And I refuse to hear excuses that you did not have any cash in your wallet; I know about your secret stash.)
To your credit, you made up for the mistake the next day (day, not night I may point out), by providing the reward and a pay rise.
Gone are the days apparently of $2 donations for the tooth; no you went all extravagant and gave her a whopping five bucks!
Which is where the discrepancy comes in.
As the tooth fairy, and the knower of all things oral related, you must surely be aware that tomorrow, the 15th of Septmeber, I will finally be having my wisdom removed (gastro withstanding.) When I confronted your business representative the other day about the obvious GFC increase applied to the collection of said baby tooth, I was informed that despite the fact that my extraction will be longer, more painful and aided with the use of a prescription full of drugs, you would not be paying me for my wisdom teeth.
And this, my friend, is just wrong.
Considering that Taylah’s slightly bigger tooth got an increase of $3, and that it was removed whilst indulging in a sweet treat, I think it is only fair that the removal of all my perfectly acquired and might I add, painfully sought after knowledge, be met with a much more significant enlargement.
Much more significant.
Have you met my dentist?
Of course you have; you’re probably related. Well then you would know that he is a sadist who enjoys inflicting people with pain and charging them through the roof for it. Not only is Saturdays appointment going to leave me with a mouth full of stitches, but also with a giant chunk taken out of my credit card.
So this is what I propose: Saturday evening, assuming I remember in my drug befuddled state, I’ll put the dentists receipt under the pillow with my wisdom teeth, and you can replace them with the exact amount of cash necessary to pay the credit card back. Because, let’s face it, I’m wonderfully wise, and those babies would fetch a pretty penny on the black (or is it pearly white?) market.
If, of course, you oblige, I’ll happily withdraw all my complaints to your company (and Santa, who we all know oversees all these transactions), and we can all live happily every after.
And if you don’t? Well I may be forced to tell all children every where that your not real, and then look what you would have done! And just to show I mean business, I’m linking this with Grace so that everyone will see and know your double standards.
So Mr Tooth Fairy, do we have a deal?
Kind Regards,
Yeah tooth fairy, does she have a deal? Don’t worry Jess, we’ll be your backup! Hope sat goes well Xx
Oh good! Ill sic you on them!
BTW, Ava keeps asking me when is Mars coming over. It’s so cute
This post had me in stitches Jess! Hilarious! I hope all goes well on Saturday and that the Tooth Fairy comes to his senses and reimburses you
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Thabks Mel.
If he doesn’t, he will have to suffer my wrath! Mwa ha ha
I think your request is only fair! Wisdom teeth should defs be worth more.
She’s not had a good week… give her a bucket load of icecream… poor sweety. Hope you get your payout and hope Taylah has a better week next week xo
Poor Taylah
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I really hope the tooth fairy reads my blog…
My dentist sighs and asks me why I haven’t gone to his colleague for extraction yet. Well, it’s only been 4 years since he told me to, and besides needing particular scrubbing techniques including a gougy scooping motion in a sideways pit, they’re fine! Also, I’m too pov to come up with the gap.
If the tooth fairy agrees the deal, let me know. Maybe then I’ll go see the extractor. Maybe.
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Ill keep you informed. Yes I considered putting it off but apparently I have a 50% chance of my teeth getting infected so rather than run the risk, I’m getting them out. Plus I have a bevy of good drugs
Hahahaha! Maybe she is hoarding all the wisdom teeth money to pay for all of those head lice treatments (yes, I think the tooth fairy definitely gets lice – it would be one of the hazards of the workplace, flying down to pick up teeth beside little heads on pillows every night).
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Oh I didn’t think of that, but of course you are right.
What a sucky job to have!
Jess you are a genius! I’m having all 4 wisdom teeth out next week – I forgot about the tooth fairy!
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Ooh you should get heaps from all four! We will send her broke at this rate!
LOL! The tooth fairy just contacted me to ask you if you’re happy to take a cheque ?
x
Good luck for Saturday. You’ll be fine. I had two of my wisdom teeth pulled out about 4 years ago and I was happily sedated while watching the Discovery Channel on the telly above my head. I felt like I was deep sea diving.
You’ll be fine, chica!
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Yes I will take cheques!
I’m planning on taking my headphones and listening to amusing pod casts to drown out the sound of the drill
Oh poor Taylah – what a crappy day for her!!
Hopefully the tooth fairy reads this post and rewards you nicely. All the best post removal
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Yes it was a terrible day for the poor kid, but she seems to have bounced back ok.
LOL. I hope mr tooth fairy does pay your dentist bill. Even with private health they are still atrocisously expensive.
Hugs to your family over the loss of your bunny.
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Thankfully we do have private cover, but it would be nice if the tooth fairy came through!
Lol! Good luck with that! The tooth fairy forgot to visit our house once too. Awful day that was! Luckily when the fairy did finally arrive the next day she left fairy dust and changed the water in the tooth glass into a magical colour! Of course, now she has to do that every time
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Ha ha! Created a bit of a rod for her back by forgetting didn’t she! Bet she won’t make that mistake again!
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..My Week According To Instagram- Lemons Suck
I just had a mental picture of a big hairy man in drag tip toeing around your pillow with a suit case full of cashola.
All the very best of luck for your dental appointment. Milk your suffering for all its worth.
Love Mumabulous
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Oh that sounds like a nightmare! I won’t sleep with that image!
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..My Week According To Instagram- Lemons Suck
I hope your tooth fairy comes from money.
Well he never showed! Thankfully private health covered just over half of it
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..My Week According To Instagram- Lemons Suck
All the best to you <3 I hope the tooth fairy reward to you will be a nice one.
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Unfortuntaltey he never showed. Rude!
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..My Week According To Instagram- Lemons Suck