Sometimes, I question if she loves me.
That might seem odd, but I do. I am a source of fun and food and clean underwear, and I wonder if she could possibly think of me as anything else.
She’s not like the other kids; not really. They’ve all been physically affectionate since the day they were born. Begging for cuddles or to hold my hand.
Not Ava.
She won’t often kiss you if you ask. Endless snuggles on the couch rarely happen unless she is sick. And when I tried to explain to her that sometimes people want to hug you cause they love, (bizarre coming from me, I know), she just laughed.
Why would anyone want to do that?
She’s two.
The world is full of her; what she wants, what she needs. Teaching her otherwise is a challenge.
She is empowered with her own sense of self importance. She is the boss.
Her older siblings often fall victim to he determination and bossiness. She is not above a good bite or throwing a truck at your head. Even with me, she will clench her fists and stand and scream, pitting her stubborn will against my own.
But at two, she is also so beautifully vulnerable. When walking in the ships, she will suddenly run to me saying ‘cuddle, cuddle!’ It’s always when there is someone else approaching. A stranger looking to invade her very wide , personal space bubble. She comes to me for comfort and strength.
I should enjoy it, I should, but it’s always on her terms. And I wonder, is it me she adores?
Or is it just having an adult at her beck and call?
Does she love me?
And then….
Sometimes, just sometimes, I see a glimpse of something. Something uniquely Jess. Something that ties her to me.
She doesn’t look like me; she is all boatman. It’s him I see when I look in her eyes. But everything else….
The refusal to hug? I know that so well.
The desire to hit someone cause they took your toy? I get that.
The crazy way she dances, and the look of joy she gets when I do it as well? That’s all me.
I am in there; I am necessary. I am the grown up version and I get it. I get the aloofness and the lack of compulsion to be obvious in affection. Who needs it?
Turns out me.
My baby, the last of the last. I need to know she loves me.
This morning, I went to the toilet, wishing I didn’t have an audience. Wanting to go, for once, by myself.
And then I stopped and realised: this is love. Not wanting the potty, but rather waiting for the big toilet to be like mum. Needing help to climb on and off. Following me from one end of the house to the other, and then back to the couch where she flops for her early morning cuddles.
It’s love. Different and not obvious. Not vocal or demanding. Just quiet, unassuming, I need you kind of love.
It’s her.
Ava.
Flogging with With Some Grace who is gallivanting around Melbourne without me. *sigh*
Aww give her a big hug for me too please. And here’s one for you too. Hugs
Ai Sakura recently posted..Art + Play | Her First Kids Art Lessons at WowART
Ok I’ll try, but I need to chase her down!
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Ava
Are you suffering conference envy too? lol
I’ve read this book called ‘The Five Love Languages’ and at first I only applied it to my relationship with hubby, but now that I have 3 children I can see it’s use with them too. We all express love and feel love differently, we just need to find each other’s language.
Kelly HTandT recently posted..Toilet Training Can Kiss My…
Ahh I was thinking same thing as Kelly when I read your blog, sounds like her love language might be quality time or acts of service in the way she just loves you being there for her
The Five Love Languages is a great series of books, really helped in understanding and expressing love to my husband and family in a way they appreciated it.
I love the five love languages! It makes such a difference to know how everyone operates. Ava’s a little young yet to fall into any boxes (about 7 is when you can tell for sure), but I know she will never be physical touch. It’s just not gonna happen
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Ava
I loved this post Jess. Emily is very much like that and even when she was a tiny baby I thought she did not really like me. I also get a glimpse of her love every now and then but it is often a struggle to tell whether she loves me or not. I am praying that we will have a good relationship when she is older as I fear our relationship may always be tense.
Good to start praying early! It will probably be the best relationship because of all the extra prayer and effort you have sewn in!
It is hard with little kids, because they are naturally selfishly inclined. Ava is not prone to huge displays of affection either, like the others were.
It does make it all the more special when she does it though.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Ava
I wish I was in Melbourne too – although I feel like I’m in Melbourne today with the horrid weather outside! Your baby girl may not show it or demand it in the way you expect but I can see in your photos that she does love you and need you and that she is a little cutie!
Kirsty @ My Home Truths recently posted..Dual Diagnosis Dilemma
Thanks Kirsty. She really is a dear little thing. Love her so much.
And yes, being at pro-blogger would be awesome.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Ava
Very Beautiful Jess. I think i was like Ava as a kid. Independent, didn’t want to hold my mum’s hand, curious, but still needing love on my terms. My little one is all cuddles and constantly needing reassurance. She teaches me to love in a new I had previously avoided.
bachelormum recently posted..The forgotten children and those who never forget
Yes my second one especially is very physical, which has taken a lot to get used to. It’s quote bizarre really to have one so like me in that way. It must have been hard for my mum!
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Ava
Ava is such a beautiful little girl. She sounds so much like my Grace.. she is far too busy to be affectionate. I say “can mummy have a cuddle?” she says “No… no thank you”.. at least she is polite about it
You’re right about the way they show love. I need to remember that more when I’m desperate to go to the loo by myself (It’s particularly bad right now as Cerys has to sit on my lap while Grace provides a running commentary!”
Catherine Rodie Blagg @CoTaaB recently posted..The Girl with the Prawn Tattoo
Oh that is sweet, that she says it so nicely!
I think a lot of it is that they are just too busy. Why have a cuddle when there is a whole worl to explore?
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Ava
You are there when she needs you, that’s the most important thing. You have a love that no one else can give her, a mothers love
Alicia recently posted..Honey biscuits
So true Alicia.
Jess@Essentially Jess recently posted..Ava
What a gorgeous little munchkin. I sometimes feel like that with Mia and she is only 10 months old and I know as she gets older it will probably get worse as I wasn’t much of a touchy-feely kid myself. But when she throws her arms around me and squeezes my neck so tight when she wakes in the middle of the night? I know it’s love then.
Kylez @ A Study in Contradiction recently posted..Don’t F#$%ing Swear!
Beautiful post Jess, she sounds like a gorgeous little girl who knows her own mind and place in the world.
Kyla @ Three Quarters Full recently posted..Angels
Your Ava taking on my P2 would be a very interesting spectacle. Thumbs up for cuteness.
I’m suffering Pro Blogger envy too. Perhaps some should set up an alternative event – Rank Amateur Blogger 2012. It would be HUGE!
Mumabulous recently posted..Our Bedazzled Life
My oldest was very reserved with her affection. I did wonder for a while. Now at 8yo, she walks passed an gives me a quick kiss or hug for no reason. It means so much to me. Rachel x
Rachel from Redcliffe Style recently posted..5 minute beauty routine to disguise that you only had 2 hours sleep
I get it. Take what you can when it’s available. Secretly love them being sick for the extra cuddles on the lounge and know that they will show you love in their way.
Kevin recently posted..Caught my eye Friday – Bitch slaps & bravery
I’ve enjoyed a lot of your posts, Jess, but I think this might just be one of the most beautiful ones yet.
Veronica @ Mixed Gems recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – September Snapshots
That’s beautiful Jess. That’s love.
Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit.
Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit recently posted..Day 1104 – Look good, feel brave
I love this post it is so beautiful. My fiance’s family wasn’t very “huggy” growing up and mine was so I found it quite weird at first watching the different way they interacted. He really snuggles into me when he falls asleep on the couch in a very childlike way…so interesting to see you describe your daughters unique behavior. thank you!
Ms George {Life at the Coop} recently posted..Rooster says…
You’re welcome. It’s amazing how different even siblings can be. One of mine just wanted to be held all the time, and then this one doesn’t at all! It’s a definite learning curve.